Not actually a tard.

Archive for the ‘life’ Category

For the sake of beauty!

Posted by leahtard on October 19, 2007

Now I have to say I did not wright this and I do not know who did, but it was e-mailed to me the other day and I had to put it here because is was so funny I almost peed myself.

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of
easy, painless removal – The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and
now…the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,
play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully
my mind for the next few hours: “Maybe I should pull the waxing kit
of the medicine cabinet.” So I headed to the site of my demise: the
bathroom. It was one of those “cold wax” kits.

No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in
hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg
(or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss.
How hard can it be? I mean, I’m not a genius, but I am mechanically
inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. It’s two strips facing each
stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in
I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (“Cold wax,”
yeah…right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around
it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn’t the best feeling, but
wasn’t too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth
extraordinaire. With my next wax strip, I move north. After checking
on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same
procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini
line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the
inside of my butt cheek. Yes, it was a long strip. I inhale deeply
brace myself………RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I’m blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!…. OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I’ve only managed to pull off half the
strip. CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is
and spotted. I think I may pass out………..must stay
I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe…OK, back to normal. I
to see my trophy – a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so
much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the
glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There’s no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see
hair…. the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am
wax. CRAP!

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake…….remember my foot is still
up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot
down. DAMN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door. Vagina?
shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and
think to myself “Please don’t let me get the urge to poop. My head may
pop off!” What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts
I’ll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it
off, right???

WRONG!!!!!!! I get in the tub – the water is slightly hotter than
used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment. I
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued
together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom
the tub…in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn’t melt cold

So, now I’m stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!! Thank God I brought my cell
phone with me in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It’s a very good conversation starter

“So, my butt and who-ha are glue together to the bottom of the tub!”

There is a slight pause. She doesn’t know any secret tricks for
but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know
exactly where the wax is located, “Are we talking cheeks or hole or
who-ha?” She’s laughing out loud by now…..I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side
the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else’s
night. While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping
wax off with a razor . Nothing feels better then to have your girlie
goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot
water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is
working, dignity has taken a major hike and I’m pretty sure I’m going
need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace….the oil they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and “OH MY
GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens
of my friend. It’s sooo painful, but I really don’t care. “IT
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my
grief and despair….THE HAIR IS STILL THERE…….ALL OF
IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I’m numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I’m going to try hair color……

Posted in Adult, life | 4 Comments »

A woman I love.

Posted by leahtard on September 25, 2007

The montage below are just some picks from our mom and daughter travels this summer. The first few are from the party the others are of a trip to Edmonton and the Saxby cake factory as well as Viv with her uncle Gilles and grandma Lauriette.

View this montage created at One True MediaView this montage created at One True Media

Cinderella 1

I was really lucky the other day because I had the chance to spend the day with Vivian – just us girls. She had a princess birthday party to go to in the afternoon so we got her all dressed up as Cinderella and went for lunch. It was so nice, to spend time alone with my daughter and it gave me a chance to appreciate what a great kid she is. For her it was a chance to spend alone time with mommy and to not worry about the boys always “pestering” us.

While we were having lunch at a very swanky “hot spot” here in town, (Smitty’s), I noticed a lady sitting alone, who was shortly joined by another woman and her two daughters. Very quickly I became engrossed in what I was watching. The two women were sitting on one side of the booth and the two girls were sitting on the other. Soon as the young girls sat down, (they were 12ish) they started talking to the woman.

I could not hear what they were saying but the look on everyones faces was easy to read. The girls were talking a blue streak and the friend was listening intently adding comments here and there and the mother seemed happy to be out with her girls.

All this people watching made me a little nostalgic for one of the friends my mom had when I was a child. I remembered my moms very best friend from the time they were just little girls, Linda. Though Linda was no relation to me, we called her auntie. Anyway she truly spent more time with us than any other family we had that was related. I think I would be hard pressed to recall a time she was not a part of our lives when we were small. If my mom was there Linda would be too. They were always together and if auntie Linda was around you knew you would have fun.

The one thing you always remember about auntie Linda was her laugh. I would be hard pressed to find anyone with a more infectious laugh than her, and of course her smile, she had the most lovely smile that made you feel as though you were the most special person in the world. When Linda talked to you, you always felt that she gave you here undivided attention, as a kid and pre-teen, we are often brushed off by adults so even a small amount of time made you feel very special. Well, this was Linda.

I had the privilege of chatting with auntie Linda the other day and even on the phone I could feel her smile and naturally hear her laugh, and it gave me the warm fuzzies. I was thinking that even though we often do not know we are making a difference in a child’s life, it is important to take time with them and enjoy, because you never no how you will make a difference.

Thank-you auntie Linda for loving me, 34 years later I can still feel it.

Posted in life, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Warm Muffin.

Posted by leahtard on September 10, 2007

Once a month or so my girlfriend Tracy and I go for Sushi, this is our time to get out with out the kids and have some adult time, (though she workes and gets a significant more of it than me.) On these evenings I sometimes get dressed up, (remember this is mommy dress up, not to be confused with hootchie dress up which is what I use to do.)

I figured I was dressed quite nice, I had put a little extra effort into my appearance that night and it looked like it was paying off. I had started to notice I was getting a number of appreciative stares from the men and jealous ones from the women. I was wearing my favorite heeled black boots a nice pair of dark blue jeans, a black sweater, and my favorite, a lovely super long brown scarf, wrapped around my neck in the way that was most fashionable that winter.

Of course me being me, I was quite please with how cute I looked and impressed that in my old age, (33) and even with a “little” extra weight I still had “it”. Now if you know me then you might realize that this attention as it were would put a little more swing in my hips, pop my chest out a bit and inch my head up a little higher. (In my brain I am imagining my glory days when men would fall at my feet and offer to marry me. When I was hard pressed to find a girl hotter than me. I was quite certain the only reason I had not been discovered was because I am practically a midget at 5 foot 4.)

These are the things I am doing and thinking as I walk through the mall. As we get closer to the restaurant I start to feel quite warm. Warm in a way I have never felt before….. warm down below…… you know down south…… so warm in fact that I have almost forgot how cute I was and am thinking about how one gets quite so, ummmm cozy in that area. Soon we reach the restaurant and as I unload my shopping onto the near by chair I realize that both ends of my scarf had got caught up between my legs. The wool scarf itself is wrapped around my neck, cutting down between my boobs only to be tucked in quite firmly between my legs and the tails and are splayed around the back of my bum like a great giant hairy brown spider coming out for a peek.

Gone are all my dreams of being a femme fatal. I am going to have to live with the fact that all I have is a really warm muffin.

Posted in Adult, life | 6 Comments »

Amature OBGYN

Posted by leahtard on April 11, 2007

I know you are probably thinking what happened to stamp collecting and endless picture taking, well, that is just not me. Maybe I should start a little earlier. Early on in my illustrious career as a wife we realized very quickly I had a small problem getting pregnant and a big problem staying that way. This led to my over analysis of everything as well as included reading every book I could find at the time on fertility. I was insatiable, possessed and more than a little crazy trying to find/get, and implement information on getting a baby and keeping it. I took baby aspirin, (It is suppose to help the placenta stick). I did a round of anti biotics , (it’s suppose to of course get rid o any bugs you may not know about) . I did the one where they shoot coloured die up your cervix just so they can see what is going on, but it is also so pose to make it easier to get pregnant. Ouch!

It just so happened there were four other women at school who were also trying to get pregnant and perhaps almost as freakish as I was (must be the biology). Between us we had a vast network of information about oh….Say…..Vagina’s and uterus’s. This was mostly all we would talk about in the staff room and any other time we could get together clandestinely (you don’t need Elementary kids hearing how Mrs. So n’ so practically hung upside down for an hour so Mr. So n’ so’s “swimmers could find the eggie). In my quest to grow a baby I stumbled upon the Holy Grail of fertility book Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, MPH. This book opened up a whole new world to me, I was absolutely shocked at the amount I did not know about my own body. After reading this book and implanting its practices life got so much easier because the mysteries of my own body were no longer ummmm, mysterious.

Finally after much heartache and a really crappy labor, (I think maybe that nobody really enjoys labor unless you are sadistic) and yes I do get that whole thing about it being a beautiful and wonderful experience, that was just not apart of anything I did. Though I only know of one real life woman who said it was no big deal and it didn’t really hurt that bad, (I do question the tightness of the elastics on her panties on any given day).

On saving the world

After all this I fancied myself a bit of a guru and felt it was my job to save the world from women who did not understand their reproductive systems. It did not matter where I was I wanted to tell women about the wonders of their body (kinda like a born again Christian but, different). In the Mc Donald’s play place, in Starbuck’s, or with the check out girl at Sobey’s. I could not stop telling women the good news. Believe it or not I had women calling me at home to get more information and to help them get started on their charting. I was in heaven, imparting needed and relevant information to the masses, all I needed now was a forum. I needed to go back to school become a MD and make all this learning official, maybe some how I could work with Toni herself. I was so excited till I really thought about it and realized how much work that would be and quickly changed my mind.

The big problem
The big problem with saving the world is that it is half filled with men, who for the most part (in my not so vast experience) really like the a intricacies of a womans body remaining shall we say mysterious. Thus I know of one husband who had way to much information perhaps even information overload. My poor Glenny for a while there found very little exciting about the female body. I remember him saying during the time we were trying to conceive “I’m not a machine”! Seven years into our marriage it is all really funny now and we have a great laugh but at the time this baby stuff was very and I can not stress that enough very serious business. Today we have two very healthy and happy children (except on the occasional day that I turn into “Psycho Mommy”), and a husband who I’m sure is very thankful for the most part the Vagina Mono logs are done with. I still love to talk about it, I am just less of a zealot about the whole thing.

Posted in life | 3 Comments »

Kinda crazy

Posted by leahtard on April 2, 2007

One of my closest and dearest friends MMTaM commented that maybe I’m kinda crazy, this is probably mostly true, (hence Leahtard, not my real name mostly). I don’t think I’m OCD or anything and med’s should only be factored in if I did not like my behavior, or if I could not get on with my day because I had to shut every door in the house 3x before I could leave it(which I do not). I am actually quite partial to my say, uniqueness and often try to convince others how much easier their life would be if only they would convert and try to be a little more ahhhh, organized. Of course though I do have the odd idiosyncrasy certainly not more that most, I do like things a certain way (and so do the vast majority of my friends). I do see the connection.

I use to get quite put out if things were changed. My brothers use to rip the labels off my shampoo bottles to bug me. Another friend when she came over use to mix up my alphabetized food cans and turn them so the label did not show, and then wait to see how long till I noticed. I think everyone is a little like this somewhere in their lives and then somewhere along the way you get a job, have to pay bills, get married and have kids and all those things that you use to have time to chew your cud on sort of disappear.

I’ll have to ask MMTaM but I don’t think there are to many Somalians worried about the spacing between their coat hangers or making sure their food doesn’t touch on their plate. My guess is that a lot of people, myself included have way to much time on their hands. Yes, I am lucky enough to stay at home and yes sometimes I even complain about the amount of laundry and gripe about my children, but in the end I am so lucky to have a fantastic husband who works his butt off for me and rarely says no. I am also thankful for friends and family that care and love my family with all of our oddities and that is good because I’m certain it is genetic, in this house we are all kinda crazy. But in a good way!

Posted in life, Uncategorized | 5 Comments »