Not actually a tard.

Archive for the ‘kids’ Category

Anybody gotta kid?

Posted by leahtard on April 17, 2007

If you by chance read my “Amateur OBGYN”, post than you know we had problems getting a baby, number two arrived the first night we tried, it was as though my body finally said “ohhhhh, ya that’s what you do”, and we were off like a herd of turtles. Four separate Dr’s told us after Viv that a number two was never going to happen because I’d had so many problems birthing her. I have Endometriosis which makes your guts/uterus look like the inside of a pumpkin, I also had a very bad hernia and it pushed my bladder…..Stop…..Sorry!!!! I just got carried away and realized that nobody wants to read about my guts. The point is I finally found a Dr. that said I could try again, he would C-Section me 3 weeks early, and have relevant Dr’s there in case of an emergency, they would also try to fix me up as best they could. I had to promise that I would get my tubes tied because my body would not handle a third pregnancy.

You would think that two kids would shut up any sane woman, one girl one boy, millionaires family right? But I’m the kinda girl that probably would have had four kids in as many years and be confused as to how it all happened. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if my husband wasn’t coo-coo for pregnant women, and went gaa-gaa over babies, (he loves the way they look and always wants to touch bellies, he is very polite and always asks first). He once said to me “Pregnant women are so hot, and you know those girls do it”. Glenn is a Mechanic and a farm boy so it may seem like a strange mix, but he is also very caring and considerate, it’s what makes him the greatest guy ever! Can you tell I love my husband yet? Yes, I know, bla, bla, bla, anyway, where I would maybe have stopped at four kids Glenn would have had ten, (I think it’s a farm boy thing). No matter how you count two does not equal four and definitely not even close to ten.

This puts us is a position of should we adopt? Is Surrogacy even a viable option? Or perhaps we could do IVF, not a real good option for us, because somehow I still have to get this kid out of me, and my innards suck! Adoption would probably be the easiest but already we have filled the papers out three times and then not handed them in. I get scared and panic a bit about hurting any potential little peoples feelings, then I think how could I possibly just pick one they all need a mommy and a daddy, how can I look a child in the eye then just walk away, (maybe it’s better not to look). I checked into getting a baby from China about three years ago and it would cost about $40,000. American and that’s not counting the 10 days you have to stay there for evaluation, airfare and accommodation. Holy Kummolie we don’t have that kinda cash laying about plus one day Glenn says he wants to retire.

I guess that what I’m trying to say is that when all you have to do is “DO IT”, it’s like the decision is made for you. It kicks the hell out of all that paper work and if your in a committed relationship and you are not a freak it’s free, not to mention a lot of fun! Sooooo, I guess now that I’ve got the calf’s for free I want more calf’s for free. Does that make any sense? The easiest thing would be for someone to just drop off a baby on my doorstep. Step 1. Ring the bell, (we do not want the little peanut getting cold). Step 2. Run like hell, (I promise I won’t look real hard). We do not care about colour or Nationality, a baby is a baby. Okay I’m equal opportunity I’d take older kids too. I like them just as well.

Posted in kids | 6 Comments »

Do your children need a lawyer?

Posted by leahtard on April 13, 2007

Naturally you would of course say “no way, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard of”. That is what I always thought, actually truth be told I never even gave a thought to my children needing a lawyer. Now think about this carefully. Do you have parents? Does you husband have parents? Do they spend any amount of time with you and your children? Do you often feel like its you against them? If so you may not have realized this till this very second but, yes, your children do have lawyers! It’s true they (the lawyers) are a whole lot cheaper than the ones you would use to re-do your mortgage or re-wright your will, but on occasion the problems are no less painful. For instance, a common conversation had with said children, and said Lawyers.

Viv: ” Mommy I would like some ice cream”.

Mommy/me: “Viv, you can’t have ice cream right now, it’s to close to dinner”.

Viv: “But mommy I really need ice cream and I am sooooooo hot, I really need it to cool me down”. (Fanning herself madly and panting). It’s minus 10 outside.

Mommy: No, Viv.

In comes grandma/grandpa, who has been watching the scene being played out from across the kitchen.

G’ma/G’pa: “Oh, come on now Leah, it’s just a bit of ice cream what can it hurt, they are so busy all day, their bodies need energy”.

I was thinking more along the lines of carrot.

This could go on forever, if not like this, than I’m sure as parents any of us could come up with a million different scenarios. My all time favorite is the “sneaky treat”. That’s the one where nobody even asks your permission, your children just appear in front of your with chocolate around their mouths. Or maybe your “lawyers” are really good at what they do and manage wipe their little faces before you see them next, but being a mother also means being part private eye…….Thus you can smell it.

I’m sorry to tell all you Lawyers of the world that we (the parents) are on to you and the jig is up. Though I know your grandkids will never rat you out because they know “what side their bread is buttered on” one day it will all come back to haunt you, I don’t know how yet but I will laugh my ass off when it does. I just had an epiphany! This has all happened before! About 30 years ago, and now you are the ones laughing your asses off. Damn and double damn, I thought I was so smart. Wow, I suck I didn’t even see it coming. Fine…… You win!

Posted in kids, Uncategorized | 8 Comments »

Thank God for two bathrooms!

Posted by leahtard on March 24, 2007

This morning everyone woke up happy and cheery, daddy made breakfast and I rolled around in bed a few extra minutes. After that was all done we put the kids in the tub because, well, they stink. Not just regular kid stink but after surgery ear infection stink (I do bath them most everyday), anyway tra-la-la-la-la. Viv says “I smwell somping stinky”! So dad takes a peek in the tub hoping to see nothing or at worst a floater but no suck luck. Aparently Alex’s bowels are moving again and quite fast I might add. We quickly pull the kids out of the tub rinse them off with the shower and put them in the other tub to finish their bath. The good part to all of this is that we have a great reason to throw out some bath toys! Yum.

Posted in kids | 5 Comments »