Leahtard

Not actually a tard.

My biggest regret.

Posted by leahtard on May 9, 2007

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Okay, I am done with the sappy everything is perfect crap – although it is a big part of who I am, I just do not really get that worked up about things and am more into having fun with my family and kids.

My dad, was a really great guy with a really crappy drinking problem he died 5 years ago next week. He was young at just 52, but that is what hard smoking and hard liquor will do to you. They consume you, literally eating you up inside and out, they ravage and rape your body of preciouses nutrients and brain cells, slowly eating away at any good the body has to offer, they take away the person that you grew up loving and the dreams you had for the future they leave you with a shell of the person you love and care for. Only leaving fleeting glimpses of who they once were and where they may have gone.

As a child sometimes your dreams are stolen because of empty promises and too little to lates. My dreams and experiences as a child are exactaly that, dreams and experiences as a child, and though they do harbor some baring on who I am today, (good and bad) by no means do they totally make the person that I have become; they are a small snap shot of who I am. They are who I was before I could really make my own choices, and I believe that the choices that I make now harbor so much more baring than things I had zero control over as a child. Even as a teen when you feel like you have more choices and you start to enforce your own will, you generally have so little life experience behind you that often times even small decisions can lead to big consequences. Maybe this is just the way life is, that every once and a while when I look back on my life I wonder what I was thinking how the hell did I come to that decision.

The second set of vestibule doors of the small church we were in opened, my step-father steps up to me and takes off my cape then gives me a hug. My father steps forward to tuck my hand in the crook of his arm and walks me down the isle. In the seconds I have before I come to Glenn I am thinking I love this man, my father. I love him more than anything. He use to say to me that most people didn’t get to choose their babies, but he got to choose me and because he picked me himself he loved me all the more. I was lucky he was there when I was born. Dr.Shalom our family Dr. said that they could have turned off every light in the hospital and the hospital still would have been lit with the glow from my fathers face. At the same time I am thinking I don’t think he is drunk I can’t smell it. He promised he would not drink. He sure does look nice; happy but at the same time a little sad. I feel a little tug on my arm and dad whispers. “Leah, slow down you don’t want to look desperate!” I smile bigger if that is possible (I have a pretty big smile) and continue on. We are a couple steps closer to the end of the isle and for some reason I start to feel reserved and a little embarrassed. Reserved in that in this moment I feel I need to pull away from my father to let go of him. For all intense and purposes to let go and step away from the first man that I ever loved. Embarrassed because everybody knows he’s a drunk and now by walking down the isle with him everybody knows…….Knows that I Leah am a drunk lover….. I must condone this behavior if I am here with him. Why does it have to be so hard to love him, why can’t I just grow up and except who he is. For heavens sake we are in a church let it go. Oh,no we have a free bar what were we thinking everything is going to be ruined.

Finally we reach Glenn, I squeeze my dads hand and leave him for my husband. My regret; I didn’t kiss him, I didn’t hug him, I didn’t tell him I love him one last time when I still belonged to him. I was too embarrassed and ashamed to show I cared, I couldn’t get over myself, I couldn’t get over him. Seven months later he died in a empty field with my brother and some friends. They watched him as his lungs filled up with fluid, they tried to help him and were able to keep him alive for 45 minutes until the EMS got there, (amazing if you ask me), Once the EMS got there and changed over the tube that the boys had attached to a coke bottle to keep our father breathing to use their own, he died.

Lots and lots of times my dad was a really shitty parent but despite all that I know he loved me. I know he adored me. I know that he would never have given upon me, he would have stood up for anything I believed in whether it was right or wrong. I know he had more than one drink to me, for me, and even with me. I miss him everyday, especially when things happen in my life that I know he would have loved to have been a part of. I secretly morned for him again when I had my first baby, his first grandchild and then again when we had our second. I wonder if grief is like that you miss missed opportunities then just when you think you are over it, WHAM, it smacks you in the face again, and again and again. I will probably miss him forever and just wish I had hugged him when I had the chance.

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4 Responses to “My biggest regret.”

  1. This post made me cry.

  2. chelle said

    egads you could have been talking about MY Dad … except my Dad is still here. We go through cycles … sober for months, sometimes years…sometimes I feel like it is just long enough for me to trust him again. Don’t regret it. He knew …. he knew you loved him despite it all … It is hard sometimes … But they are our fathers … the first men we loved..I like that. You rock!

  3. Tracy said

    We know how much your dad loved you and how proud on your wedding day he was, he never even thought about you not hugging him or even thought about why no kiss, he was so happy and proud to turn you over to Glenn, try to let go off regret it never does any good, secretly I think I heard both your mom and dad sigh with relief that day that finally a good one had come a long…and taken you off their hands

  4. Jessie said

    Sweetie, I understand. But his smile lit that church too. He Loved you very much and No amount of liquor could never dull that. Don’t sit on the regrets. He gave you the biggest hug right outside your door with tears in his eyes and hugged you every chance he got after the wedding. Cherish that always.

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