Not actually a tard.

Amature OBGYN

Posted by leahtard on April 11, 2007

I know you are probably thinking what happened to stamp collecting and endless picture taking, well, that is just not me. Maybe I should start a little earlier. Early on in my illustrious career as a wife we realized very quickly I had a small problem getting pregnant and a big problem staying that way. This led to my over analysis of everything as well as included reading every book I could find at the time on fertility. I was insatiable, possessed and more than a little crazy trying to find/get, and implement information on getting a baby and keeping it. I took baby aspirin, (It is suppose to help the placenta stick). I did a round of anti biotics , (it’s suppose to of course get rid o any bugs you may not know about) . I did the one where they shoot coloured die up your cervix just so they can see what is going on, but it is also so pose to make it easier to get pregnant. Ouch!

It just so happened there were four other women at school who were also trying to get pregnant and perhaps almost as freakish as I was (must be the biology). Between us we had a vast network of information about oh….Say…..Vagina’s and uterus’s. This was mostly all we would talk about in the staff room and any other time we could get together clandestinely (you don’t need Elementary kids hearing how Mrs. So n’ so practically hung upside down for an hour so Mr. So n’ so’s “swimmers could find the eggie). In my quest to grow a baby I stumbled upon the Holy Grail of fertility book Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, MPH. This book opened up a whole new world to me, I was absolutely shocked at the amount I did not know about my own body. After reading this book and implanting its practices life got so much easier because the mysteries of my own body were no longer ummmm, mysterious.

Finally after much heartache and a really crappy labor, (I think maybe that nobody really enjoys labor unless you are sadistic) and yes I do get that whole thing about it being a beautiful and wonderful experience, that was just not apart of anything I did. Though I only know of one real life woman who said it was no big deal and it didn’t really hurt that bad, (I do question the tightness of the elastics on her panties on any given day).

On saving the world

After all this I fancied myself a bit of a guru and felt it was my job to save the world from women who did not understand their reproductive systems. It did not matter where I was I wanted to tell women about the wonders of their body (kinda like a born again Christian but, different). In the Mc Donald’s play place, in Starbuck’s, or with the check out girl at Sobey’s. I could not stop telling women the good news. Believe it or not I had women calling me at home to get more information and to help them get started on their charting. I was in heaven, imparting needed and relevant information to the masses, all I needed now was a forum. I needed to go back to school become a MD and make all this learning official, maybe some how I could work with Toni herself. I was so excited till I really thought about it and realized how much work that would be and quickly changed my mind.

The big problem
The big problem with saving the world is that it is half filled with men, who for the most part (in my not so vast experience) really like the a intricacies of a womans body remaining shall we say mysterious. Thus I know of one husband who had way to much information perhaps even information overload. My poor Glenny for a while there found very little exciting about the female body. I remember him saying during the time we were trying to conceive “I’m not a machine”! Seven years into our marriage it is all really funny now and we have a great laugh but at the time this baby stuff was very and I can not stress that enough very serious business. Today we have two very healthy and happy children (except on the occasional day that I turn into “Psycho Mommy”), and a husband who I’m sure is very thankful for the most part the Vagina Mono logs are done with. I still love to talk about it, I am just less of a zealot about the whole thing.


3 Responses to “Amature OBGYN”

  1. I carry on your legacy by teaching everyone who wants to listen about charting.
    I learned a lot from you.

    The BG called you “The Twat Tutor” “The Pussy Proctor” and various other things when we were talking about you wanting to teach people at health fairs and needing a name after you taught me. I like Twat Tutor myself.


  2. Leahtard said

    I just now remembered that and am thinking how damn funny those names were. TPP has the best ring to it but it makes me think I’m touching them and I really don’t, so I guess TTT or maybe Triple T works better. LMAF

  3. Josie said

    Considering the number of men I kow who cringe at the mere mention of “female” problems, I would say your husband held up admirably.
    I remember one day talking out loud while making dinner and saying “Ugh, my boob is itchy.” My son heard me, was so disgusted and rambled about needing therapy. Whatever.

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