Not actually a tard.

Archive for April, 2007

The only boy who ever made me work for it! (Part 2)

Posted by leahtard on April 30, 2007


This is a picture of my brother Kory and I one night before the bar.

As you already know, I thought I was pretty hot stuff, quite the catch if I do say so myself, but I believe Glenn was the only guy who did not think so. About 6 or 7 weeks after our “golf date”, he called and asked me to go out for beer and pizza with him and some friends, I said “Nice service follow up”, and he seemed to think that was funny. Once again it was a Tuesday and I had nothing to do so I thought why not. He told me it started around 7:00pm. Well 6:30pm comes around and guess what? No, Glenn.

This is the conversation that followed.

Leah: Is, everything okay, I thought you would be here by now. (Glenn lived one town away and the pub we were going to was in his town).

Glenn: Yes, everything is fine I’ll see you at 7:00pm.

Leah: I thought it started at 7:00pm.

Glenn: It does.

Leah: Then won’t we be late?

Glenn: What do you mean, don’t you drive?

Leah: Uhh, no. Student loans would take $ for $ what any car was worth and I can’t afford that.

Glenn: Can you borrow your mom’ s car?

Leah: No, I don’t drive.

Glenn: Ohhhh, you have a D.U.I. it’s okay I had one of those once.

Leah: Are you crazy! I would never drink and drive! What I mean is that I don’t have a license.

Glenn: So you want me to pick you up?

Leah: You asked me on a date right?

Glenn: I’ll leave in 5 minutes.

Unbeknownst to me at the time, most of Glenn’s friends were girls. He phones best girl friend and related above story, she laughs and tell him he’s “picked a winner”. Glenn tells her he has to go so he can pick up the “fuckin princess”. (Now don’t get all tight I am a princess so that part is true enough it’ s just that at that time I was not fuckin). Despite everything I got along with girls very well and we are all actually excellent friends now, though best girlfriend and I did have a round later on because she did not like her Glenny belonging to someone else, I needed to set the record straight. Her husband came to the wedding by himself. We have since worked out our differences.

I digress, after our night at the pub I decided I liked him and would probably hang out with him again. I was quite certain he liked me too or maybe he just hoped he was going to get laid, either way we set up another date. By about the sixth date I’m on to his sneaky snake ways and realize that it’s my turn I need to be a little unattainable if this is going to work. I have decided I am going to marry him, for real! Soon Glenn tells me he “loves me”. Of course when someone says this to you you are suppose to reply in kind but I was not going to let my slippery little fish get away so I said. “Thank-you, that is so nice”. I did tell him a few days later, but I wanted him to sweat it out.

Next: License for marraige

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All things shiny (Part 1)

Posted by leahtard on April 29, 2007

Even when I was really small I knew that I liked shiny things. Maybe because all little girls do, maybe because we were poor (though we didn’t know it), maybe it was because my grandma is related to a duchess. Most probably it’s because I’m a greedy glut and knew even early on that shiny things were often worth more that things not so shiny. By the time I was 8 or 9 I could tell very easily if something was real gold or fake. By 12ish silver from white gold. 20’s white gold from platinum. Don’t even get me started on diamonds because I llllloooovvvveeee them! When Glenn and I went to go ring shopping the jeweler told us the stone I wanted was possibly too big for the setting and could scratch any potential children badly. Did I care! No way! I’m like bring it on, the bigger the better that’s what band-aids are for. I know that this is shallow and if I had any couth I would never admit to any of this but Diamonds are a girl’s best friend. (Didn’t see that one coming from a mile away did ya).

I had this philosophy that if you (the man) wanted to have, umm sex with me, well you had to marry me. I was not going to be just any man’s plaything/girlfriend I wanted some respectability to come along with this whole pre-marital sex thing. Thus I was engaged 3 times before I finally found the real deal with my Glenny. I remember asking him how he knew I wasn’t going to ditch him and he use to tell me that he just knew. I knew as well that he was not going anywhere, but with my track record who could know. Needless to say we were definitely cut out for one another. He is the caretaker and I like to be taken care of so it works out perfectly. The one thing I didn’t count on was Glenn’s very bizzare sense of humor.

Glow in the dark Golf

We were set up on a blind date in the summer of 99 and introduced at a local golf course for a round of glow in the dark golf. Glenn was a technician at a local dealership, and I had been working odd jobs waiting for October when I was leaving for a teaching post in the UK for four years on a grandparent visa. All was going swimmingly before the big trip and I thought I’ll go on this date 1) Because I have nothing better to do, and 2) Maybe I’ll get dinner out of it. Yes, I know that was not very nice and I’m sure boys everywhere will think yup she is the quintessential bitch (like any boys read this). Our date was nice, Glenn was nice, he thought I was nice and it just was not enough, and on our separate ways we went.

If I’m honest and I will be, 5 days before our date Glenn had moved into his newly built home – I did find that a little intriguing – but not enough to date him again. Once again I will be honest and admit that truthfully he didn’t ask me out again, much to my disgust and way over inflated ego.

Next: The only boy who ever made me work for “it”!

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The chicken or the egg

Posted by leahtard on April 25, 2007


We have two chickens in this picture and one egg.

I know everyone has their own thoughts on this and I’m going to tell you mine in just a moment but first the lead up. The other day I was sent one of those e-mails from a newish friend who wanted to know more about me. I always fill them in because for one they are always a little different every time you get one, and secondly often my answers change and if I can remember its neat to think about that change.

One of the questions in this e-mail was, what do you think came first the chicken or the egg. You of course are suppose to answer either “chicken” or “egg”. Now I have been asked this question many times before, mostly in and around junior high when teachers are trying desperately to get you to think about anything. Your answer is usually quite wish washy without any real substance behind it, not because your a dough-head but because you just do not have any life experience to back it up. I’m not saying that the chicken/egg question is rocket science, take the question and make it what you like but it is a question meant to get you thinking and to help in creating an opinion.

My personal opinion is that the chicken came first. Simply because if you took the same question and said who came first the mommy or the baby, you would have to say the mommy. I for one can not possibly believe that God in his infinite wisdom would put a poor little baby person/baby chicken here on earth with nobody to care for it. The number one reason being that unless you are a little pink worm you do not need a mother to survive. Far as I know all higher functioning creatures need nurturing in order to live, to thrive and to continue on the species whatever that may be.

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Who let the Blog out?

Posted by leahtard on April 23, 2007

My friend at MMTaM wanted to come visit me about 5 weeks ago and insisted I start a Blog. Now I have only had my computer since Christmas and have not used one in years, because, well, I have been at home with babies for years and the thought of a Blog was not only extremely daunting but also asinine, into my 3rd month with this computer and I was still not able to send a attachment I was barely getting my e-mail. Once here Nic lovingly set me up, got my page together gave me some hints and was on her way. I thought this is stupid, I don’t want to do it and she can’t make me, all this thing is is a public journal. By day 3 I was feeling a lot of guilt, after all Nic had set this thing up for me the least I could do is try, and letting a friend down after they have tried to help is too me one of the worst things you can do in my books. Nic believed in me, told me I could do it, actually more like insisted I do it.

Very quickly, I discovered I really liked this, it was fun and holy crap, people were reading what I wrote. It was almost like a little adrenalin rush. I would log on at all times of the day to see how many people had come to see my site ( I am still doing this). Hoping someone would write something back so then I could reply, oh what fun I have been missing all these years! My children and husband have also noticed my love for this thing called a Blog. When Glenn asks “Where is you mom, Viv”. She would reply “At the darn computer again”. Then another time Viv asked me why I liked the computer so much and I had to truthfully tell her that I was not really sure and that sometimes I actually hated it. She looked very confused and said “mama, that sure is strange”. She is only 4!

Today we were driving home from the city and here was our conversation.

Viv: What are we going to do when we get home?

Daddy: Mommy’s got to let her Blog out.

Viv: Daddy we don’t have a dog.

Daddy: Mommy has a Blog and she has to feed it.

Alex: Daddy!? What are you taaaalking about?

Daddy: Leah have you checked the Blog today, I mean honey was it really okay for us to leave it all by itself for the whole day?

Mommy: (Snickering) I’m not that bad!

Daddy: I hope the Blog is okay, I’m worried we have never left the Blog alone for this long before, what it if the blog is hungry, what if the Blog missed it’s other Blog friends, Leah, what if the Blog is lonely!

Alex: Daddy I don’t see the train! There is no train, Alex has train on the brain and is just always looking for one.


Daddy: But, Viv mommy does have a Blog and she needs to get home right away to make sure it is loved and cared for.

Soon they were all singing “Who let the Blog out, who, who, who, who!

This went on for most of the thirty five minute trip home. My poor children were so confused, and I came to the realization that just maybe I spend a bit to much time on the computer, but oh well, I don’t really care! It’s a lot of fun, so now it’s out I’m a geek. Thanks Nic!

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I’m sorry

Posted by leahtard on April 20, 2007


I was just over at No Internal Editor and was reading about her teenage son, who sounds pretty normal for a kid his age and it got me to thinking about my mom and some of the stuff she use to do. I actually had to stop writing and erased a bunch over at NIE because I realized I needed to write about my own kick ass mom, (not to be confused with a mom who kicks ass, though I know if the situation was in need of a “kicks ass” mom she most assuredly could have anted up) who loved me so much that she braved the all of the “shit” a very cheeky know it all teenager could dig up. She humiliated herself on more than one occasion to stop me from doing boneheaded things (probably in the hopes that I would be humiliated, it worked). She baked the best cookies for me, (when my bros and I got older we would make up songs about the magical cookies she made) she cleaned for me, she nurtured me she adored me but mostly she loved me.

All us mothers know that special love you give your child, it is incomparable and is only finally understood that first minute you hold your first born in your arms and start to cry, not only because of how much you love your precious new born but because you now understand how much your mother loved you. You cry harder because you can not believe how little respect you gave her and how much you disregarded her. You can not believe that there is anything more powerful in the world than the love you have of this child and that you did not understand it at all until that second. That the woman who birthed you is a amazing strong person that has felt this connection and love of you your whole life, everyday, every second, every moment and you did not know.

As the hours with my child grew into days, weeks and then years, in quiet times when I would pray to God that my children always be safe and that someone would always love them, I would morn the woman I did not truly know or understand until I had my own(please be patient honestly I’m trying to make up for it now). I’m sorry I didn’t understand, why you always wanted to know where I was or what I was doing. I did not have the experience to know what I was missing in having you as a mother. Still, even as an adult I occasionally slip back into those days of old and “snap and snarl” at you, I am sorry, I forget how important you are to me, my family and my life. I guess what I’m tiring to say is that I love you and even as an adult who always makes mistakes, you still make me feel completely loved and safe.

I love you mom!

Love Leah

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Anybody gotta kid?

Posted by leahtard on April 17, 2007

If you by chance read my “Amateur OBGYN”, post than you know we had problems getting a baby, number two arrived the first night we tried, it was as though my body finally said “ohhhhh, ya that’s what you do”, and we were off like a herd of turtles. Four separate Dr’s told us after Viv that a number two was never going to happen because I’d had so many problems birthing her. I have Endometriosis which makes your guts/uterus look like the inside of a pumpkin, I also had a very bad hernia and it pushed my bladder…..Stop…..Sorry!!!! I just got carried away and realized that nobody wants to read about my guts. The point is I finally found a Dr. that said I could try again, he would C-Section me 3 weeks early, and have relevant Dr’s there in case of an emergency, they would also try to fix me up as best they could. I had to promise that I would get my tubes tied because my body would not handle a third pregnancy.

You would think that two kids would shut up any sane woman, one girl one boy, millionaires family right? But I’m the kinda girl that probably would have had four kids in as many years and be confused as to how it all happened. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if my husband wasn’t coo-coo for pregnant women, and went gaa-gaa over babies, (he loves the way they look and always wants to touch bellies, he is very polite and always asks first). He once said to me “Pregnant women are so hot, and you know those girls do it”. Glenn is a Mechanic and a farm boy so it may seem like a strange mix, but he is also very caring and considerate, it’s what makes him the greatest guy ever! Can you tell I love my husband yet? Yes, I know, bla, bla, bla, anyway, where I would maybe have stopped at four kids Glenn would have had ten, (I think it’s a farm boy thing). No matter how you count two does not equal four and definitely not even close to ten.

This puts us is a position of should we adopt? Is Surrogacy even a viable option? Or perhaps we could do IVF, not a real good option for us, because somehow I still have to get this kid out of me, and my innards suck! Adoption would probably be the easiest but already we have filled the papers out three times and then not handed them in. I get scared and panic a bit about hurting any potential little peoples feelings, then I think how could I possibly just pick one they all need a mommy and a daddy, how can I look a child in the eye then just walk away, (maybe it’s better not to look). I checked into getting a baby from China about three years ago and it would cost about $40,000. American and that’s not counting the 10 days you have to stay there for evaluation, airfare and accommodation. Holy Kummolie we don’t have that kinda cash laying about plus one day Glenn says he wants to retire.

I guess that what I’m trying to say is that when all you have to do is “DO IT”, it’s like the decision is made for you. It kicks the hell out of all that paper work and if your in a committed relationship and you are not a freak it’s free, not to mention a lot of fun! Sooooo, I guess now that I’ve got the calf’s for free I want more calf’s for free. Does that make any sense? The easiest thing would be for someone to just drop off a baby on my doorstep. Step 1. Ring the bell, (we do not want the little peanut getting cold). Step 2. Run like hell, (I promise I won’t look real hard). We do not care about colour or Nationality, a baby is a baby. Okay I’m equal opportunity I’d take older kids too. I like them just as well.

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Do your children need a lawyer?

Posted by leahtard on April 13, 2007

Naturally you would of course say “no way, that is the stupidest thing I have ever heard of”. That is what I always thought, actually truth be told I never even gave a thought to my children needing a lawyer. Now think about this carefully. Do you have parents? Does you husband have parents? Do they spend any amount of time with you and your children? Do you often feel like its you against them? If so you may not have realized this till this very second but, yes, your children do have lawyers! It’s true they (the lawyers) are a whole lot cheaper than the ones you would use to re-do your mortgage or re-wright your will, but on occasion the problems are no less painful. For instance, a common conversation had with said children, and said Lawyers.

Viv: ” Mommy I would like some ice cream”.

Mommy/me: “Viv, you can’t have ice cream right now, it’s to close to dinner”.

Viv: “But mommy I really need ice cream and I am sooooooo hot, I really need it to cool me down”. (Fanning herself madly and panting). It’s minus 10 outside.

Mommy: No, Viv.

In comes grandma/grandpa, who has been watching the scene being played out from across the kitchen.

G’ma/G’pa: “Oh, come on now Leah, it’s just a bit of ice cream what can it hurt, they are so busy all day, their bodies need energy”.

I was thinking more along the lines of carrot.

This could go on forever, if not like this, than I’m sure as parents any of us could come up with a million different scenarios. My all time favorite is the “sneaky treat”. That’s the one where nobody even asks your permission, your children just appear in front of your with chocolate around their mouths. Or maybe your “lawyers” are really good at what they do and manage wipe their little faces before you see them next, but being a mother also means being part private eye…….Thus you can smell it.

I’m sorry to tell all you Lawyers of the world that we (the parents) are on to you and the jig is up. Though I know your grandkids will never rat you out because they know “what side their bread is buttered on” one day it will all come back to haunt you, I don’t know how yet but I will laugh my ass off when it does. I just had an epiphany! This has all happened before! About 30 years ago, and now you are the ones laughing your asses off. Damn and double damn, I thought I was so smart. Wow, I suck I didn’t even see it coming. Fine…… You win!

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Posted by leahtard on April 12, 2007

Our Family

[rockyou id=64008362&w=426&h=320]

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Amature OBGYN

Posted by leahtard on April 11, 2007

I know you are probably thinking what happened to stamp collecting and endless picture taking, well, that is just not me. Maybe I should start a little earlier. Early on in my illustrious career as a wife we realized very quickly I had a small problem getting pregnant and a big problem staying that way. This led to my over analysis of everything as well as included reading every book I could find at the time on fertility. I was insatiable, possessed and more than a little crazy trying to find/get, and implement information on getting a baby and keeping it. I took baby aspirin, (It is suppose to help the placenta stick). I did a round of anti biotics , (it’s suppose to of course get rid o any bugs you may not know about) . I did the one where they shoot coloured die up your cervix just so they can see what is going on, but it is also so pose to make it easier to get pregnant. Ouch!

It just so happened there were four other women at school who were also trying to get pregnant and perhaps almost as freakish as I was (must be the biology). Between us we had a vast network of information about oh….Say…..Vagina’s and uterus’s. This was mostly all we would talk about in the staff room and any other time we could get together clandestinely (you don’t need Elementary kids hearing how Mrs. So n’ so practically hung upside down for an hour so Mr. So n’ so’s “swimmers could find the eggie). In my quest to grow a baby I stumbled upon the Holy Grail of fertility book Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler, MPH. This book opened up a whole new world to me, I was absolutely shocked at the amount I did not know about my own body. After reading this book and implanting its practices life got so much easier because the mysteries of my own body were no longer ummmm, mysterious.

Finally after much heartache and a really crappy labor, (I think maybe that nobody really enjoys labor unless you are sadistic) and yes I do get that whole thing about it being a beautiful and wonderful experience, that was just not apart of anything I did. Though I only know of one real life woman who said it was no big deal and it didn’t really hurt that bad, (I do question the tightness of the elastics on her panties on any given day).

On saving the world

After all this I fancied myself a bit of a guru and felt it was my job to save the world from women who did not understand their reproductive systems. It did not matter where I was I wanted to tell women about the wonders of their body (kinda like a born again Christian but, different). In the Mc Donald’s play place, in Starbuck’s, or with the check out girl at Sobey’s. I could not stop telling women the good news. Believe it or not I had women calling me at home to get more information and to help them get started on their charting. I was in heaven, imparting needed and relevant information to the masses, all I needed now was a forum. I needed to go back to school become a MD and make all this learning official, maybe some how I could work with Toni herself. I was so excited till I really thought about it and realized how much work that would be and quickly changed my mind.

The big problem
The big problem with saving the world is that it is half filled with men, who for the most part (in my not so vast experience) really like the a intricacies of a womans body remaining shall we say mysterious. Thus I know of one husband who had way to much information perhaps even information overload. My poor Glenny for a while there found very little exciting about the female body. I remember him saying during the time we were trying to conceive “I’m not a machine”! Seven years into our marriage it is all really funny now and we have a great laugh but at the time this baby stuff was very and I can not stress that enough very serious business. Today we have two very healthy and happy children (except on the occasional day that I turn into “Psycho Mommy”), and a husband who I’m sure is very thankful for the most part the Vagina Mono logs are done with. I still love to talk about it, I am just less of a zealot about the whole thing.

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Spring is in the air

Posted by leahtard on April 4, 2007

Here are my kidlets, cute as can be, if one just looks you too will see. My little towheads smiling with all their might, if you only knew that two minutes later they were having a fight!

Yes, I know my poetry is pathetic but it is true, Alex stole Vivian’s lip gloss. Truth be told I understood her anger, I myself could not get by with out my lip gloss it is the one thing I take everywhere (my favorite is M.A.C. lip glass).

This brings to mind something I love, and that is make-up/beauty products. From about junior high when I was first allowed to wear a tasteful amount of make up (Bonnie Bell), to senior high when I wore way to much(Cover girl), to College (M.A.C.). Pamela Anderson just got really huge, and big hair with really heavy make up was in. I for the most part don’t think I looked that trashy, MMTaM usually was right there with me showing a little less skin, but we always thought we looked HOT! Okay, we did look Hot! I also might add VERY, VERY, tame by todays standards, but I do remember going to teaching practicum dressed way to racy! Today thank God, I do not dress like that any more and my make up is… say less intense. I still love big hair and getting glammed up when we are going out but now my favorite part is buying it.

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Kinda crazy

Posted by leahtard on April 2, 2007

One of my closest and dearest friends MMTaM commented that maybe I’m kinda crazy, this is probably mostly true, (hence Leahtard, not my real name mostly). I don’t think I’m OCD or anything and med’s should only be factored in if I did not like my behavior, or if I could not get on with my day because I had to shut every door in the house 3x before I could leave it(which I do not). I am actually quite partial to my say, uniqueness and often try to convince others how much easier their life would be if only they would convert and try to be a little more ahhhh, organized. Of course though I do have the odd idiosyncrasy certainly not more that most, I do like things a certain way (and so do the vast majority of my friends). I do see the connection.

I use to get quite put out if things were changed. My brothers use to rip the labels off my shampoo bottles to bug me. Another friend when she came over use to mix up my alphabetized food cans and turn them so the label did not show, and then wait to see how long till I noticed. I think everyone is a little like this somewhere in their lives and then somewhere along the way you get a job, have to pay bills, get married and have kids and all those things that you use to have time to chew your cud on sort of disappear.

I’ll have to ask MMTaM but I don’t think there are to many Somalians worried about the spacing between their coat hangers or making sure their food doesn’t touch on their plate. My guess is that a lot of people, myself included have way to much time on their hands. Yes, I am lucky enough to stay at home and yes sometimes I even complain about the amount of laundry and gripe about my children, but in the end I am so lucky to have a fantastic husband who works his butt off for me and rarely says no. I am also thankful for friends and family that care and love my family with all of our oddities and that is good because I’m certain it is genetic, in this house we are all kinda crazy. But in a good way!

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